When I had cancer, we had a treatment plan with a 90% success rate. So as awful as it was, there was light on the other side of that dark tunnel... life.
Parkinson's is so different, as there is no cure. What there is, is a range of medications that can help eliviate the symptoms of Parkinson's. For me, the side effects of the medication, was causing more issues than the original symptoms. After my 3rd attempt at meditation I have basically given up. The 3rd drug was levadopa, the gold standard in Parkinson's treatment and it made me very sick... literally vomiting after every pill. So I have decided no more.
I'm sick and tired of being sick, and everything that goes along with it.
I've accepted now that there is no light at the end of this dark tunnel.
I am now waiting to die. That is my future. My future is death. This is something that I cannot see past.
I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. I just cant see a future... there is nothing. There are no dreams, no aspirations, not even the desire to win lotto. I can only live the day that I am presently in.
My only goal in life is to out live my cat, Max.
I know this makes me difficult to be around, and most importantly make me a difficult partner. I just have little interest in life and little motivation to enjoy life.
As for now I will play this charade that is called life, and when the time comes... I am looking forward to eternal rest. I am so bloody tired.
I have been struggling with these feelings for some time. The lack of interest in life. I've always had so much desire and motivation for life. The "what is wrong with me" has been a challenging question to understand and answer.
Today I discovered a new word, well, I was aware of the word but when used in context to my situation, it is new to me.
"Apathy"
Apathy describes a lack of interest, enthusiasm or motivation. This is me!
I did a little reading and it is a non-motor symptom of Parkinson's and interferes with the effective management of Parkinson's symptoms, since apathetic people are less inclined to exercise and follow their medication schedules. Again this is me!
Unfortunately there is no cure or magic pill to fix this.
I have been trying to find a way to fix myself... being the DIY guy I am. I have come up with 3 things to help:
1. Understanding, Acceptance, & Acknowledging - that is the purpose of this blog.
2. Try to find and cherish the pleasures in life as they present themselves.
3. Try to say YES more often.
But even as I write this, the hermit within me is like... "whatever"
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